I buried my face into my hands and just cried. She walked over immediately and put her arms around me and began to pray.
I can't remember the words she spoke now, but I can remember that my entire body went from being shaky to still.
---
I just feel so lost.
And I haven't felt this lost in a long time.
The last two years have been really difficult for me. Maybe it's been three at this point. I've lost track.
When I was single, I felt like my entire life was in order except for having a relationship. Now that I'm married, I feel like that's the only thing that makes sense and the rest of my life has fallen to pieces.
Someone reading this may be wondering, “What? Life outside of your marriage? Isn't marriage your whole life?” Because that's what happens, right? You get married and suddenly that's the only thing that matters, right?
WRONG!
I'm still Jamie. I still have to have my own relationship with God. I still have to stand on my own two feet at work. Nobody can take responsibility for those aspects of my life except me. And I'm failing. I am failing and I am flailing.
How could I have fallen so far? How could I be so deep in this emotional pit?
That I can't see a way out?
I don't spend time with God. As much as I want to be like the women I look up to and manage to find time to spend with God on a daily basis, I can't! I don't know how these women who have a job, and a husband, and children, and friendships, are able to manage keeping the lines of communication open with God. Why can't I do that?
I am so good at beating myself up, I'm not even sure I know how to pull myself up anymore. It's almost become too much...it takes too much energy. So I just languish, falling further into depression over all the things I'm not (not smart, not normal, not skinny, not healthy) and the things I am (stupid, fat, ugly, useless, more trouble than I'm worth)…
I don't know how I got to be so self-deprecating.
Every day I just want to curl up into a ball and be left alone.
What's wrong with me?
God, this is what is on my heart now:
Not going after a job opportunity because I'm not good enough
Seasons of friendships coming to a harsh ending
Not being sure where I fit in
Well, I thought there was more, but maybe those are the big things. The things that are insurmountable right now. God, give me the energy to pull through, please give me the discernment to know how to respond, give me the wisdom to get through a day at work, feeling like I know what I'm doing.
Lord, help me.
And I haven't felt this lost in a long time.
The last two years have been really difficult for me. Maybe it's been three at this point. I've lost track.
When I was single, I felt like my entire life was in order except for having a relationship. Now that I'm married, I feel like that's the only thing that makes sense and the rest of my life has fallen to pieces.
Someone reading this may be wondering, “What? Life outside of your marriage? Isn't marriage your whole life?” Because that's what happens, right? You get married and suddenly that's the only thing that matters, right?
WRONG!
I'm still Jamie. I still have to have my own relationship with God. I still have to stand on my own two feet at work. Nobody can take responsibility for those aspects of my life except me. And I'm failing. I am failing and I am flailing.
How could I have fallen so far? How could I be so deep in this emotional pit?
That I can't see a way out?
I don't spend time with God. As much as I want to be like the women I look up to and manage to find time to spend with God on a daily basis, I can't! I don't know how these women who have a job, and a husband, and children, and friendships, are able to manage keeping the lines of communication open with God. Why can't I do that?
I am so good at beating myself up, I'm not even sure I know how to pull myself up anymore. It's almost become too much...it takes too much energy. So I just languish, falling further into depression over all the things I'm not (not smart, not normal, not skinny, not healthy) and the things I am (stupid, fat, ugly, useless, more trouble than I'm worth)…
I don't know how I got to be so self-deprecating.
Every day I just want to curl up into a ball and be left alone.
What's wrong with me?
God, this is what is on my heart now:
Not going after a job opportunity because I'm not good enough
Seasons of friendships coming to a harsh ending
Not being sure where I fit in
Well, I thought there was more, but maybe those are the big things. The things that are insurmountable right now. God, give me the energy to pull through, please give me the discernment to know how to respond, give me the wisdom to get through a day at work, feeling like I know what I'm doing.
Lord, help me.
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