Gone

Today we found out he passed away.

And I held it together for most of the day.  Really, I managed up until the end.  Probably because I was in shock and didn't believe it was real.  And as time passed, even though I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head, I held it together.

But as I walked to my car, that's when the tears started to really escape.

And all through the traffic home.

And still through the 10 minutes alone I had at the house before Trace made it home.

I just kept crying.  And it wouldn't stop.

Thought after thought paraded in my head and brought on more tears.

We walked to the bedroom and I curled up on the bed and just kept crying as my sweet husband helped undress me and change me into pajamas.

And I cried some more.

Ate some.

Now here I am crying again, because I don't understand, Lord.  I don't understand.  I have so many feelings.  Sadness, anger, acceptance, grief...  There's no second chance to reach out, to try.  That's it.

Lord, why?

My eyes are burning and are so dry it feels like they're made out of sandpaper.  It's interesting how seemingly un-connected moments of life get connected together.  Like the vine star t.r.e.v.s.o. passing away and seeing things about message boards and leaving people alone out of respect.  Or meeting a widow last Sunday at church whose husband was suddenly taken from her.  I feel like You were trying to prepare me, Lord...  Or maybe not, because I don't feel...prepared.  I just don't understand.  And I'm sad.  And I'm angry.  And I'm hurt.

And I just want to understand.

I just want to pray.  I just need to pray about it all and lift my tears up to the One who knows my hurt, Lord.  Please, help me rest tonight.  Please push away the sadness and the nightmares and just let me sleep.  But moreso, please cover the families tonight through this tragedy, Lord.  Grant them peace and mercy and healing during this time.  Sustain them, give them a spirit of endurance and obedience and hope, Lord.  Let hope ring out.  Let hope live.  Let hope survive.