Why the insatiable need to spend?
I've thought about it, and I don't think this can be chalked up to just one reason. I think it's a lot of things.
- I think I'm bored. I think that the monotony of life just got to be overwhelming. Receiving packages in the mail or new things from Target or TJ Maxx gave me something to look forward to. It gave me some excitement.
- I think I'm depressed. These last few years have been really difficult for a lot of reasons. So what's the easiest thing to do? No, not deal with the problems at hand, but to mask them. Temporary band-aid via shiny, new toys.
- I think I'm still harboring feelings of being the un-cool kid. Yes, there's still a part of me that remembers middle school and dying to be part of the cool kids with the cool Nike or Fila or Adidas shoes only to have some knock-off brand, never fitting in. There's a part of me that, instead of shoes, craves having a beautiful Southern home and an elegant wardrobe. I want to feel loved and accepted, and get that pat on my back that, yes, I'm part of the cool crowd. I still seek validation.
I think of all the stuff I've bought over the last year. Most of goes unworn, or I find out I don't really like what I bought and only bought it to fit in with the Jones's, which, surprise, don't share my same style.
So this is day 2 of Lent, and I've almost accidentally bought a new Kindle that was on sale (for $39!) and the Lent study app from SRT. It was so natural, it was scary. "Oh, I want that!" [click on site] ... [moment of realization] ... dang it!"
Reason number 4 for over-buying:
- I like deals. I feel like I've struck gold when I find a good deal. I could not even like what I'm buying, but if it's a $500 piece marked down to $50, even if it's a hot pink pleather chair with leopard print trim, I've gotta have it. (Okay, maybe I wouldn't get the hot pink chair, but that's how bad it is sometimes.)
So this is my new leaf. This is me turning it over. Giving it to God in all my shame and guilt and saying, "CHANGE ME! Change my heart! I don't want my heart to lie in material possessions! I want it to rest in You, Lord! To crave You!"
Today is the second day of me not buying anything, which, lived out, looks like me, coming home, NOT browsing through eBay, Amazon, Jane, Modcloth, Target, Forever 21, or any other site for 5 hours, and instead looks like me coming home, jumping on dinner, eating with my husband, then cleaning dishes and making dinner for tomorrow, and then folding towels and putting another load in the laundry. Now I'm sitting here, writing this, about to read my Lent study, and then soon after that calling my parents.
It feels a lot healthier. But only time will tell if I'll last until Sunday, March 27th. Thank You, Jesus, for the respite today and helping me through giving this up!
