I think the dark cloud that I let hover over me the last few years is finally dissipating. Little by little. I'm finally feeling the sunshine again. The freedom to be happy. The freedom to have hope.
I'm not sure that it's one big thing. I think it's several little things all working together to bring me back.
Reading books to encourage me to change, like this one. Beginning to work out at the gym with friends. Finally breaking down and releasing some heavy tears in our prayer meetings. Being invested in a small group and retelling my story only to be encouraged. Starting this blog. Me sitting here typing is a testament in itself that something has changed in me. Like I have the liberty to write, to have an outlet, to be creative, to be real.
I didn't feel like I could be any of those things.
Somehow God has managed to bring me back and I don't feel so lost right now.
Or maybe it's the beautiful sight of our first Christmas tree. Maybe that's helped cause pause and remind me that life doesn't have to be so bad. It doesn't have to be a struggle. It doesn't have to be a war between letting myself feel overwhelmingly guilty and letting myself be loved just as I am.
I'm feeling better today. And I've been feeling better in the last three weeks than I have in the last three years.
I can breathe.
